Tag Archives: Seeking

Wasted time?

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Being totally honest with you…the last year has sucked, for me.  I felt angry and bitter for being “thrown” into this country which I just don’t fit into, unable (or unwilling) to make friends, not understanding (or agreeing) with much of the cultural differences, being taken advantage of (hence the unwillingness to make friends), hands held out wherever I go asking for something (kids yelling at the truck as we go by “how are you sweet?” because they want to greet us but yet want to get it out they want a sweet before we go by them), missing my kids and friends.  I simply did not want to learn the language and communicate with people.

Maybe not learning the language was my way of saying…I’m not staying or I don’t want to stay.  Either way, my feelings have softened a bit.  I don’t feel as angry or bitter but an acceptance of where God has put me and with that comes a desire to begin really learning the language.  Then the guilt came on, “have I wasted an entire year?”  Perhaps, but the other day I asked that question to God and I didn’t really get an answer but a feeling of lightness, forgiveness.

It’s time to move forward and set my feelings aside and concentrate on learning.  Once I accepted His forgiveness the next day my devotional read “Those who get wisdom do themselves a favor, and those who love learning will succeed.”  Proverbs 19:8

Still here….

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It’s now 2 days after the (alleged) rapture was supposed to happen and from what I see everyone is still  here.  So I guess it’s business as usual…or if you were a bit scared and thinking “where will I be?” maybe you should rethink your “business as usual” stance and seek God’s wisdom and truth.  Even though I did not think the rapture was going to happen at that humanly appointed time (no one knows the day – Matthew 24) this is something I pray for daily…God’s wisdom, will, purpose and truth to be apparent in my life.

That brings me to a conversation I had at the Academy on Saturday with a few of the Class 8 girls.  They asked me what I thought about rapture and the end of the world (why is it I seem to always think of that R.E.M. song…it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine when I hear talk of the end of the world!?) anyway I was able to talk with them about this scripture and really none of them believed May 21st was the day…praise God!

That’s kind of a short aside to get to the blog post today because also during that talk they asked me about Mercy orphanage.  When I told them we were not allowed on the property because the “owners” lack of care for the kids had been brought out in the open, they were upset.  They couldn’t believe a guy, a preacher on tv no less, spouting the love of Jesus could show such disregard for the kids and not take care of them.  They asked about the guys wife and we’ve been told she’s about the same as her husband.  Again they couldn’t believe someone who sang such beautiful gospel songs could act that way.  One girl  said “she should move into a smaller house and then help the kids.”  Another simply said “hypocrite”.  Ahh the logic and forthrightness of a child (Then he said, “I tell you the truth, you must change and become like little children. Otherwise, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3) Maybe one of these girls, or both, will make a difference in their country!

That conversation led us to discuss the saying “you can’t judge a book by its cover” and encouraging the girls to look at a person’s actions not just their words.  We talked about how telling someone something but not following through hurts the relationship by damaging the trust between those two people.  It’s the same with preachers here in Kenya and all over the world, see how they are living before making any sort of judgement solely on the sweet words they use or how nice they dress.  By citing some personal examples it seems the message was getting through and they were understanding.  Then the next morning this was part of my daily reading:

Stop judging by the way things look, but judge by what is really right. (John 7:24 NCV)

I’ll have to mention this verse to the girls the next time I see them.

Love who?

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The other day I was emailing a friend on a particularly frustrating day, and it was only a few hours into the day!  As I was spewing out my frustrations I was about to write “How can I love those who take advantage, cheat and lie?  Those who seem to only want my friendship because I can “give” them something?”  But as those words began forming in my mind and my fingers were poised to start typing a thought was put in my mind instantly.  God was telling me “I loved those who KILLED me, how much more can you love those around you?”

I am certainly not the most lovable person and yet God hangs in there with me and loves me.  He asks that I love those around me, you know, love your neighbor as yourself kind of thing?  Some days are easier than others and I know God spoke through some friends who wrote to encourage me…it helped and thank you.  My Father loves me and those who take advantage, cheat, lie, etc. and I am praying it’s His love that comes through because some days I’m just not feelin’ the love.

Letters

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The other day while Chuck was at the new property (see progress photos here) a couple kids came over to basically spend time with him and away from the home.  A few days earlier we met 2 of the girls walking back from a shop and asked them a few questions – “how are things?” – “not good” – “how’s the new house mum?” – “she only cooks for her own 3 kids so we are cooking for ourselves”.  I tried to encourage them to continue helping with the little ones and we were still working to help them…they are not forgotten.

While the kids were at the property they gave Chuck letters they had written and I’d like to share just a few lines from each to give you an idea of what these kids are going through.  (these are copied word for word)

Ok, this first one I’m going to give you the entire letter:

Dear Chuck.  Hey Chuck?  I hope you are fine just as I do.  But whether you are fine or not lets leave all glory to the Almighty God.  With us here is that we have missed you very much. I personal thank the Almighty for giving me this moment to write this piece of paper.

My main aim for writing to you is to request you to pick me from this place.  The reason behind this is that I have been told by Apostle [a self-proclaimed title] to leave this place.  Please kindly accept this request.

Kwaheri ya kuonana (Goodbye)

Here’s what a couple of other kids wrote:

“I want to inform you that I am tired to live here in xxxx.  I’m steel praying for you, tammy and your family.  God bless you dad, mom and your family.”

“…he [the person who is supposed to be taking care of the kids] promiced me that he will take me to a college where I will train mechanic but even their is no signs and we pray that God my lift you such that when xxx will see you with faver of the Lord in you.  Dad we pray that you may take us and give us what God will  help you to support us because now we as nothing in life without education.”

“I was telling xxx with a letter that I don’t want to live here because he is not giving me the expected care that I am suposed to be given.”

Your prayers for wisdom, discernment and direction would be greatly appreciated and that we hear God’ voice giving us such.

 

Walk the line

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Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and he turned and said to them, “If anyone comes to me but loves his father, mother, wife, children, brothers, or sisters—or even life—more than me, he cannot be my follower. Whoever is not willing to carry his cross and follow me cannot be my follower. Luke 14:25-27 (NCV)

It seems to be a fine line I walk between loving life and loving Jesus and it’s when I start to think that I would rather be with my family than here that I cross the line.  I sure do miss them but I also truly believe this is where I’m supposed to be…right here, right now even if I don’t completely (or at all!) understand the reason or purpose.

This is a hard line for me to walk right now but I’m trusting God to walk it with me.

Trust AND believe

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Sometimes I think it’s easy to trust something yet still not believe or vice versa, to believe something yet not trust it.  Recently I read about “a willingness to get up, leave everything and follow Christ because of the joyful assurance that earths best does not compare with heaven’s least.”  There are days when I question if I truly believe this or trust it.  Then there are days when I say “heaven’s got to be better than this!”

I find that I can’t do anything apart from the Holy Spirit so it’s then I cry out “help me overcome my unbelief.”  Seems I’m crying out a lot but some days are better than others.  I wonder though, shouldn’t my belief and trust be based upon God not my emotions?  Kind of hard to do when emotions seem to be running a muck lately so I’ll continue to pray for help in overcoming my unbelief and to one day truly trust AND believe.

Ever get the feeling…?

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Do you ever get the feeling you just aren’t wanted?  Needed?  Accepted?  This post could go on and on ranting and raving about corrupt government officials, unappreciative parents, greedy shop owners, dishonest people, entitlement-attitude teens but each time I’m faced with feeling unwanted, unneeded, unaccepted I remember the reason I’m here…plain and simple it’s because my God, Lord and Savior asked me to be here.  And I’m learning that just because God has called me here doesn’t mean I have to love the circumstances of where I’m living but it does mean loving through the circumstances of where I’m living.  I honestly don’t believe Paul loved being in prison, but I believe he loved being in prison because God was with him there.

God is here with me and continually teaches me more and more about myself which in turn helps me to know Him on a deeper level.  Ever get that feeling?

Only Christ

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I feel I have a lot I could write about but right now I just don’t feel like it….but I guess we do things at times that we just don’t feel like doing.  It seems to me that during those times of “doing it without feeling it” show our true obedience to the One who has called us to serve.

There are days when my selfish nature kicks into high gear and those are the days I really need to focus on Christ, not the people, not the ministry but only Christ.  Jesus didn’t feel like dying on the cross yet He chose to (“My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”  Matthew 26:42) or knowing some of the very same people He healed would later be yelling “crucify Him”.

These are just a couple of reminders to me to keep asking God for His will be done not mine and to keep my eye only on Christ.

Guest blog…

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PRIORITIZING FOR EFFECTIVE LIVING

We are told in the book of Matthew “do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ …your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”  In order to “seek His kingdom” we must learn to prioritize the work, purpose and use of our gifts/talents God has given each of us.   By seeking His righteousness we can live an effective life without regret.

Each person must figure out for themselves (with the help of the Holy Spirit) what an effective life looks like in their own life.  I believe every person on Earth is searching for their “effective life” but most do not know what they are searching for or how to find it.  They know they are searching for something, some purpose that will give meaning and fulfillment to their lives, but they cannot identify what it is.  Many seek the answer by pursuing money, power, possessions or pleasure.  Others search for it in science, philosophy or intellectualism, while others turn to alcohol or conscious-altering drugs.  After all, it is extremely difficult to find something when you don’t know what you are looking for.  We as a people have been longing to return to the place we lost in original sin – total communion with God.  Jesus tells us in order to experience that communion again we must “seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness.”  However, being successful but in the wrong area is a tremendous failure and shows me that every person is seeking something and our divine mandate is to seek the kingdom and God’s righteousness.  To do that we must make seeking the kingdom and righteousness a priority…whatever you prioritize you will pursue.

BENEFITS OF PRIORITIZING

1.      True progress is not measured by how much we get done, but by whether or not we are moving in the right direction.  We may accomplish many good things but if we do those “good things” without love and not focused on God then we will not make any progress toward our true goals – the kingdom and His righteousness.

2.      By prioritizing, our time will be spent doing the right thing at the right time in the right way, which keeps us focused.   This then can protect our life from making wrong decisions.

3.      When we know what is most important and make that a priority it helps us to avoid abusing our time and wasting that precious currency – time.

4.      Correctly prioritizing gives us the confidence to exert energies because we know we are effectively and correctly moving in the right direction for the right purpose.  Our goal shouldn’t be to just be busy but to be righteous.  Our energy and God’s priority are too important for us to wake up one morning and realize everything we have done for the last 1, 5, 10, 20 years was not seeking the kingdom or His righteousness.

5.      Knowing where our priorities lay will help you avoid expending your talents and gifts on unimportant or unworthy endeavors.  Most people today use their gifts and abilities in pursuit of selfish and worldly goals or in gratifying their own desires, these have nothing to do with the kingdom of Heaven.  However, even good and honorable pursuits can become a problem if they distract us from truly seeking the kingdom and righteousness.

6.      Once you know what your priorities are decision-making becomes easy because you understand not only what you should be doing but also what you should NOT be doing.   This gives you confidence to say yes to those things which God has moved you towards and say no to those things, however honorable, that distract you from seeking His righteousness.  Every decision you make will either hinder or help you in fulfilling your purpose and help you live an effective life for God.

As you can see, unless you know the priorities of your life you have no guidelines to help you make the correct choices.  But by setting your heart to God those same priorities will enable you to choose the right course and maximize your life effectiveness.

Shhhh, Paul is speaking

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When Paul talks on helping others but without love he says we are just “the creaking of a rusty gate” (The Message, see 1 Corinthians 13 for the complete message) I thought I understood exactly what that meant.  If you are feeding the poor how can you do that without love?  If you are clothing the naked how can you do that without love?   Recently I’ve been getting a lesson in this and seeing that yes I can do those things without love.  We’ve done a lot of paying of school fees and shopping for school recently.  It’s not that I don’t want to help it’s the process in which I have to go through to help.  That’s where the “no love” comes into play.

I don’t love:

  • Being stared at
  • Hearing mzungu being yelled at me (one shopkeeper said this as I approached the shop next to hers and I thanked her for pointing out the fact the mzungu was there- you see, no love)
  • Being taken advantage of on prices (although this one I got around and found out what others had paid for the same item – one shopkeeper doubled his price and I refused to do business with him, another wanted me to add 100/ksh just because it wasn’t a market day-again I refused and he came back down in price)
  • Just the logistics of moving around in the market-people walking everywhere including the roads
  • It isn’t “one-stop shopping” for sure…different items you have to go to different kiosks

If I feed the hungry or cloth the naked or help educate the orphan but my attitude is not in love, then “I’ve gotten nowhere” and “I’m nothing”.   Not sure if I’m feeling resentment, anger or just plain “no love”  but whatever it is my attitude needs some strenuous readjustment.  But I know Who is going to do the adjustment and I also know His grace will get me through.