Been thinking about desires lately, specifically how do we know what the desires are God has for us? Is it something that overwhelms us, something we just HAVE to do or a gentle nudge in a general direction? I knew when Chuck and I got married I wanted (desired) to be a mom more than anything else and God blessed us with 4 great kids. I knew throughout our marriage that I wanted to do something with underprivileged/impoverished kids (it took cancer for us to hear what and where God wanted us to serve Him).
Now that we are here in Kenya I wonder what desire is God watering in my heart? Is there something more or different He wants me to do? At this point I don’t feel any of those stirrings in my heart, only the desire to record (through photos, blog, Facebook etc.) the ministry we are called to – the children, caregivers and people we come in contact with on a daily basis. I’m wondering though what that looks like? I can’t apologize for how I feel but even as I write this it sounds selfish to me but it’s how I feel and I don’t believe God has put the desire in my heart to be a full-time mom again to a young child. Or is it His desire for me? Am I just ignoring it? Wouldn’t it be something I would want with all my heart? Instead of something that doesn’t feel right at all? Believe me, I know being out of my comfort zone is where God works and shows His mercy to me…I’m in Kenya afterall! But how do I know?
It’s confusing for me because there are so many children who need the love of a parent. Who need stability in their lives. Can I be a part of their lives without the responsibility (although in some instances we help with the responsibility – education, medical, food, etc.) Can I be involved in their life without being personally involved? Am I just guarding my heart from the overwhelming needs surrounding me or just plain being selfish?
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:33-34
– am I seeking His kingdom first instead of my earthly desires?
Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Psalm 34:12-13
– are my words pure or is my heart deceiving me?
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4
– I delight in serving You, please show me the path.
do not grant the wicked their desires, O LORD; do not let their plans succeed, or they will become proud. Psalm 140:8
– if my desires are wicked please forgive me and show me the desire You have for me.
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