I began writing this months before our move to Kenya was a reality and the answer is the same either in the States or here in Kenya but I’m personally finding out the voice behind that answer is a bit more shaky here than there. It’s been a little over a week since we’ve been on the ground and my emotions are still on a roller coaster ride. But I’ve found that just at the right time someone posts something on Facebook, or writes me an email or one of my kids call me out of the blue and it picks me up and reminds me of who God is and how very much He loves me…even while I’m not feeling all that joyful or lovable.
There have been several moments over the past week I’ve cried out to God “I can’t do this” and each time He has shown me mercy upon mercy and gotten me through yet another mini-breakdown. He allows me to cry, rant and rave and pour my heart out to Him while pulling me closer to Him and each morning I hear “see you made it through by My grace and I’ll be here for the next one too.”
So why do I do what I do? When I first became a Christian I did “good” things because it was the right thing to do and the fear of not making it to Heaven scared me. I was by no means perfect at it but as a youngster I felt I was being a good person. As I matured in my faith walk (and realized no one is good), learned who Christ is and recognized His sacrifice, I began doing the will of God by the strength of the Holy Spirit out of love for Him, not obligation. I’m here in Kenya out of that love, this is where He called me to and I know that through this difficult transition time He will give me the grace I need…at just the right time.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:7-8